Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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