I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize