dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
