i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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