then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize