didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
