I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
