If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
