well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
