I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
