We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I touched a dick in church today
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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