dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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