She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
