she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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