That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
