I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
