I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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