i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize