I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize