I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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