Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
