Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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