Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
