pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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