I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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