where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
