somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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