I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
zippers are such a cool invention
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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