Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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