dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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