I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Floor bacon is actually really good
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