fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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