So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
