Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
