I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
