Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
