So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
