K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
no, he came in my armpit
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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