Whatcha textin bout Willis?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
