Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
