the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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