If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
