Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
