It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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