Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
