where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
That's when you crack a 10am beer
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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