I can't breathe out the right side of my face
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Actions speak louder than pants.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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