Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
