i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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