About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
