my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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