I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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