there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
