I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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