I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
