i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize