White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
