I cannot find my penis.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
