the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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