I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
