I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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