I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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