Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
