i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
