HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
