What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
