Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
