Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
