just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
