I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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