i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My breasts were aching with rage.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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