He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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