i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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