I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
